Pain?

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Pain?

 

I love you so much, it’s more than true

I don’t want to ever leave you

It feels like someone has ripped out my soul

And in its place left a gaping hole

When we were forced to part and leave each other behind

It hurt so bad, I couldn’t get it out of my mind

How much I want to be with you, to never leave your side

Our souls are forever intertwined.

 

I don’t ever want to hurt you, to cause you pain

I know our love will forever remain the same

But will we forever play this game of lies and deceit

Will we ever be truly together, truly alone, truly at peace?

I wish I knew the answer to that nagging, burning question

To give us both peace, to ease our frustration

I know the future is a mystery to us now

We don’t know the what or even the how.

 

Even though I have fears about how things will turn out

I promise you that our love I don’t ever doubt

I won’t ever leave you, that is my promise to you

You’re part of me now, I promise to see it through

No matter what happens, however life goes

You deserve to be adored, to be treated like a rose

To be showered with love, to be handled with care

I promise I’ll keep you safe whenever I’m there.

 

I hope you’re not hurting as much as I do

Although I know you have to be, we’re one, not two

I want to stop the hurt, to make it go away forever

But we have to feel the pain in order to be together

I don’t know what the future will hold, it’s true

But I know I’ll always and forever hold you.

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It’s Friday….AGAIN!

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TGIF…This has been a rough week at work.  We are two people down in my office.  That may not sound like a lot to some of you but, when you only have 10 people in the office, it makes quite a difference.  One person was promoted to another job and one person unexpectedly quit/retired because she didn’t get her way.  How mature.  The office atmosphere is much better now though even though we’re all a little more stressed.  We’re getting it done.

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This week has also been rough fitness/karate-wise.  I feel so out of shape.  I’ve lost about 40 pounds but still have a way to go.  I’ve gained a little bit of weight back too. :o(  I really need to buckle down and do better.  I go to karate every Monday, Wednesday and some Fridays and to fitness every Tuesday and Thursday.  I’ve been struggling with not having the motivation to go to karate lately.  My heart doesn’t seem to be in it.  I think it’s because I’m afraid that I’ll let someone down, that I’ll fail somehow.  I only have a couple of more rank tests before the BIG one–blackbelt.  That scares me.  Although blackbelt is probably a couple of years away, that still scares me.  In our dojo, a blackbelt test is 3 days or 72 hours long.  It starts early on a Friday and you’re locked in the dojo for the whole time.  You have to do whatever Sensei asks of you.  You also have to clean the dojo from top to bottom on Friday night.  On Saturday, you perform everything you know in front of a blackbelt board.  The very last thing you do that evening is a physical challenge of your choosing, one of those challenges being flipping a tire around the entire outside perimeter of the building.  At this point, I KNOW I’m not ready for that test.  I’m doubting whether or not I’ll ever be ready.  I guess these are normal doubts everyone has to deal with.

In order to help myself get in better shape and lose the weight I’ve gained back, I plan on getting up early every morning and going running/jogging/walking.  I plan on using the Couch to 5K program.  We’ll see how that goes.  I need serious help with cardio.  I figure if I get up early enough, I’ll have time to do this workout and take a shower before I go to work.  Cross your fingers that I can do this and keep on with it.  I want to make it a habit.  I want to do better.  I want to get stronger.

If I get brave enough, I’ll post a picture of what I used to look like before I started losing weight and maybe some periodic updates.  I need someone to keep me accountable and motivated.  Karate used to be my motivation and I have a feeling it will be again.  I need karate.  It’s a way of life.  I like what my first Sensei (who I call “Sei”) has in his dojo:

Enjoy karate as a way of life.

Analyze yourself through the respect of others.

Receive and be proud of only what you’ve earned.

Work with karate as a goal, not as a recognition.

Organize your thoughts before speaking when angry

Omit violence whenever possible.

Develop mind, body, character and discipline to be proud of through the grace of God.

Random Poetry

Here are a few of my poems that I wrote just because, no specific reason or specific person.  Let me know what you think.

The MoonthCADJB9JU

Long I’ve dreamed of meeting you

If only to visit.

Like a child at Christmas,

Your appearance captures me,

Lures me,

Compels me on.

Your mystery is a stick

Stirring the embers of my dream.

The dream remains even now.

Curiosity has driven me

Taken my attention from the road.

I see you now from afar.

I’ll find you someday

If only in my dreams.

thCADNZPRDNight

Light sleeps

Darkness starts its shift

Blanketing houses, streets

Making neighbors strangers,

Concealing silhouettes

A sealed envelope enclosing a letter

Until a new day begins.

Butterfly 100E3179

Walls I’ve painstakingly built

Collapsing, crumbling

Thoughts swirling, swarming

Walling myself in again

Afraid, safe from the hurt

Guarding myself from the inside out

Taking a chance

Emerging from my protective shell

Shedding the worry and doubt

Stretching out, opening myself up

Becoming me.

He’s Trying to Kill Me

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The next time I skip karate for almost 3 weeks and then go back ON A MONDAY, please shoot me. I swear my Sensei was trying to kill me. We started class with five minutes of jumping rope. That was difficult given my foot injury (albeit accidentally self inflicted after getting upset with someone but still . . . ). Then, we were instructed to get a 12 pound medicine ball and do a 30 second plank with our feet together (or on one foot, in my case). Not bad. I can do this two more times. No problem. Then we do a 45 second plank. Ok, this is getting more difficult but I can do this. Now a 60 second plank on the medicine ball? Are you kidding me? No, he wasn’t kidding. And we also got a lecture/guilt trip. Blue belts (that’s me) and above better not give up or we won’t have Sensei’s heart. Ugh. Ok, fine. I’m going to stick this out. I did it! This is only the first 15 minutes of class? I’m going to die. I just know it.

So, next is kata drill. We have to do just the footwork of Taigo 1, the very first kata we learn. No problem, right? Nope, except for the aforementioned foot injury to my right foot which is the foot I have to pivot with the most. We do the footwork of Taigo 1 about 5 times. I grimace through it. Not too bad so far. Then we start with hands and feet of Taigo 1 which we do about 3 times. I’m starting to breathe heavier now. Sweat? It’s running down my back and face.

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Taigo 3 is next. How in the heck am I supposed to do a cat stance when I can barely put a lot of weight on my right foot? Ugh. I struggle through this one. Wait. We have to do 10 push ups because of one of the blackbelts wrapped incorrectly. Really? Ok. No problem. I do my girly push ups and get ready for whatever is next. We have to do Taigo 3 again and, this time, do it with energy and fight. I struggle through it again. Now we have to do 30 push ups because we didn’t try our best????? I think I manage to do 20 before Sensei tells us to get up and go to the back of the floor. He’s going to divide us into groups it seems.

I get “stuck” in the upper belt group. Do I know Giin? Um sure. I know part of it. Great. Sit down and wait my turn. When Sensei calls my name, I have to get up in front of the group and do Giin at the same time as another blue belt. Oops. I think I wrapped wrong but I get through it. Sensei tells me it’s close but wrong. We both have to do 10 push ups. Another round is coming up. The second time I do better and don’t have to do push ups. Yay me. Class is over? You mean I survived? Oh, wait. Sensei is asking for volunteers, 3 men and 3 women, to do “wheelbarrows” down the floor to the other wall. There’s no way I’m raising my hand. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact. Whew. He chose someone else.

I made it! I survived my first night back. Hah! Take that!! Wait. Tomorrow is fitness and Women’s Self Defense? Oh joy. Yes, I’ll be back. I can’t wait. :nervous laughter:

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More Poems

Here are more of my poems for my girlfriend.  I have to admit it’s a little scary posting these.  The emotions are just so raw at times.  Also, I have another I’d post but it’s a little more risqué.  I think I’ll keep that between us for now.

Fake Reality?

So scared what we have isn’t real

That it’s not what it seems

But one day with you onstage

Is infinitely better than a dream

No matter the fog and waves roll,

I’ll always hold you close.

For in this play you never have to leave,

And I will never grow old.

 

Two Years

They say we are the master of our own fate

Before you my life was not too great

But my course changed when I met you,

Because of you my dreams came true.

I’m sorry for the bad times but thankful for the good

You’ve stood by me, you’ve understood

When I’m in a bad mood, when I have a bad day

You hold me and make me feel better in every way.

These past two years have flown by so fast

I pray that our love will grow and last

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,

In sickness and in health, our love will endure

I can’t live without you, nor would I want to try

With you in my arms, my hopes and dreams multiply

My hope grows each and every day

That one day we’ll be together always.

 

Two Years, Part 2

You and I are a puzzle

Different shaped pieces

Fitting perfectly together

Being with you feels just right

Your arms are where I belong

I feel so safe, so loved with you.

We can be taken apart, disassembled

Miles, time can separate us

But we know where we belong.

Our time together seems so fleeting

We haven’t had nearly enough

My heart and soul longs to be with you forever.

Two years, feels like just yesterday

That I fell in love with you

My dream….a lifetime with you.